If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
