sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
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I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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