hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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