I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
