he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
