so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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