Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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