I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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