I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
