Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
