i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
