Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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