dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
