genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
