Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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