i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
