My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
