My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
