just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
