Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
