Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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