I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
