you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
