i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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