I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
