I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
