someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
