when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
