my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
