complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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