For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
