You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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