When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i will never coherently bang her
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
