Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
