I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I will pee on everything he values.
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Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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