I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
