i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
