So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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