Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
