dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
