Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
As shirtless as possible
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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