Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
