i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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