i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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