How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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