May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
