I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
