So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
