also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
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Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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