I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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