Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
