My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
