You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
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I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
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I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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