He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
