I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
