Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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